Here are some of the most shameful stories about jerking off


Get ready for nasty…

Once you’ve hit (at least) your 20s, spanking it ain’t no big deal. It’s natural, healthy, and most people do it. People often feel guilty and embarrassed when they are still learning about their bodies and what they enjoy… especially if they are still living with their parents and could be caught at any moment when they are still learning about their bodies and what pleasures them.

Many teens are clever and experiment with household items or jerk off to strange things when they don’t have access to the internet because health classes do not cover self-pleasure. They don’t have access to the internet, so they have to fend for themselves. There’s nothing like an old-fashioned “my mom walked in on me” story when you’re playing with yourself, too. Or is there?

Here are some stories of self-love that are really messed up.

Honeydew is a sweet, juicy, multipurpose fruit

A honeydew melon got me high. I proceeded to eat the rest of the melon because I was high and had the munchies. I remember saying in my head “its like cheese just cut the mold off” (myfirstthrowaway9183).

Spider Woman

Masturbating in the shower at age 14 (female) when I thought I had the house to myself. I decided to try to moan more and experiment with that. It got loud and ridiculous because that’s just who I am sometimes. My dad came home and I didn’t notice until after I got out of the shower. He was all “I heard some really weird noises from the bathroom. Are you okay?” “There was a spider in there and it scared me.” Nooooo. Pretty sure I experienced my first orgasm, and my dad heard it. (Waitwhatdidijustsay)

Life and Death

I was about 17 or 18 years old when my grandpa was in the hospital with a brain tumor. We visited him that day, but he wasn’t doing well. When I got home at 1 am, I did what every teenager does: I whipped it out. As I am sitting on my bed, hoping to smash it into the trash can, I hear my dad’s door open across the hall, and I jump beneath my comforter, trying to hide before he enters my room. I hear his footsteps coming faster than normal.

I was on my side in the “fake sleep” position when my dad opened the door, his face covered in tears. His voice breaks and he says, “He’s gone.” He walks over to me and just hugs me tight, while my deflating dong is (thank God, still covered by thick Egyptian cotton comforter) but right between us. His hug lasts about two minutes before he lets me go and goes to tell my brother.

There has never been a time when I have felt more regret for a simple wank than at that moment. May God have mercy on my soul. (thebachmann)

Smashing Samus

When I was 14, I was in the throes of adolescent horniness. However, I could not find the key for my locked porno box. I desperately searched my bedroom for anything resembling a boob and remembered Smash Brothers Brawl.

As I was torque-testing the crankshaft, my dad walked in and asked if I wanted pizza for dinner. Eye contact was made as he walked in. When I reached the point of no return, however, I spooged all over the Wiimote. He just slowly shut the door.

Missing the Mark

A few years ago, I dreamt that I was wanking, yet I couldn’t cum. When I woke up, my hand was jerking up and down with one of my rolls of fat (Swiss_Army_Cheese).

Not enough hands

This chick is always ready for some action, but I don’t get enough so I handle it myself. I don’t like anal sex with guys because they want to do that pumping action, which hurts a lot.

Anyhow, I had this little finger vibrator and I was short of hands (got three things to deal with now), so I figured I would just put it halfway into my ass so I could rub myself and rock this dildo. My butt swallowed the small vibrator, making it impossible to reach it. I had to give myself an oily enema to get it out (and it vibrated for 20 minutes).

Cumming of Age

In my thirties, my cool brother bought me a pocket psy.

Back then, I still had a Space Jam pillowcase.

My thought was that Lola bunny was smokin, so I’d fold the pillow around the pocket pussy and pretend to plough her.

It was after flipping it back to the other side that I thought about f**king the Orange Monstar.


Damn, Solider

It was 110 degrees outside when I got started in a port-o-potty in Iraq. Inside the port-o-potty, it was about 20 degrees warmer with piss and shit added humidity. I realize that masturbating in a port-o-potty is disgusting, but desperate times call for desperate measures and it was literally the only place I could go where people weren’t.

While watching some pornog on my iPod one day, I hear an explosion. It sounds a little far off, but it was common to hear explosions in al-Anbar province circa 2007. As long as they were able to find them, a “controlled detonation” (humvees with mine rollers would roam the roads intentionally setting off IEDs or explosive ordinance disposal) would blow them up.

I pause and wait a few seconds to hear another one. Nothing. I resume jerking.

I hear another 30 seconds later, this time a little closer. Once again, I pause, listen, and continue to listen.

After hearing another, I pause, listen, and resume listening.

The mortars were coming down close, they had us in their sights. Resigned to my fate, I stayed put and finished the job. There was no chance of running off in search of my helmet or body armor. Without them, I could have taken a shrapnel hit – not worth it for such an endeavour. It’s not often one is so tenaciously committed to completing a task, but that day must have been an exception for me. People talk about ‘beating their dick like it owes them money’ – I beat mine like there might not be another chance.

Once I finished, the gunfire started and the mortars had finished. So I put on my gear and ran to the rooftop to return fire.

A Family Affair

Getting caught by my wife jerking off to pictures of my sister-in-law. (sbashe5)

DIY Lover

I had enrolled in an intense Russian program at the University of Chicago and was living alone after my roommate had left midway through the ‘semester’. I often engaged in self exploration – a typical night included watching porn and masturbating – but on this particular night, I discovered that my fingers weren’t enough to bring me the sensations I really desired. Eagerly, I began searching around my room to find something resembling a dildo that I could fashion together. Thankfully, there were condoms available, which put me on the right path; soon enough, I located something cylindrical and got to work.

Then I noticed it. The sunscreen spray can. I cleaned it off in the sink, rolled the condom over it, and began. There was just one problem. It was TOO WIDE. However, it didn’t matter. I had passed the point of no return in caring, and I just kept going, even though it hurt. I knew I couldn’t just masturbate to empty air either, so I turned on Hannibal, my favorite TV show. I arrived just as Hannibal was tearing this man’s jaw off his head.

Mama’s Girl

In full view of the front door, I watched late 2000’s Brazzer balloon-boob, double-dildo lesbian porn at my mom’s home computer.

It was during the years of high school when my little brother was in after-school care and I had roughly 50 minutes of golden lusty alone time between coming home from school and my mom arriving home from work, but she came home early that day. I couldn’t hear an SUV roll up the gravel driveway right outside the office area while I was moaning.

As a result of multiple tabs playing videos at the same time, my tab count was higher than that of a leukemia patient. I’m pretty sure I was using the induced gang bang effect. The real gang bang noises always sounded forced, so I’d play several videos of real orgasms and coitus pleasures at once with good audio.

Having been in my silent-orgasm-deep-breathing-experimenting stage after another messed up overhearing incident in the shower and thinking I was the only one home, I was fortunate to be in my experimental stage.

Yes, I was desperate enough to share that stuff. It violates every safety rule for toy sharing and sex. Also, no more family dildos.

Gravy Master

My mom caught me watching porn and using a vibrator several times when I was 18. Eight years later, she still brings it up.

As a teenager, I brought a guy home when my parents were away. My parents came home early and my mother knocked, but I didn’t hear because of the music and the dick in my mouth. When she opened the door, she looked at us, then said, “Well, that’s a good one. I’ll tell your father to set another place at the table for dinner.”

His dinner was awkward…my mother stared at him for five minutes before asking, “Could you pass the gravy, please?” (Drunk_Tavern_Wench)

Apart from what a nice mental image that sets up, how does having a dick in your mouth prevent your ears from hearing?

How do you like them apples?!

Was a young kid, I used up all the vaseline from the hall closet, so I went in search of something new. Opened the refrigerator to look for something to use as lube. Decided the applesauce would feel good if I warned it up in the microwave. So I put quite a lot of applesauce in a tall glass and put it in the microwave.

Touched the top of the applesauce with my finger to check the temperature… Still cold. Nuked it again. Checked the top with my finger and holy shit was it hot. Waiting for it to cool off but so ready to go shove my dick in this applesauce. Checked the top of the applesauce again. Nice and warm…. Horny as f**k I shove my dick in the warm applesauce and press it against myself so it doesn’t spill. It feels so good the first second. Then fire. Holy shit I’m burning my dick.

The inside was f**king hot as shit and only the top cooled down a little. I drop the glass of applesauce on the floor and sprint to the bath tub flinging applesauce down the hallway to put my dick under cold running water and pick a couple bits of apple that seemed to have seared to my skin off. Must have squatted under the bath nozzle with ice cold water on my junk for 20 minutes wondering how I thought that was a good idea. Then cleaned up the mess leading to the bathroom and in the kitchen. I have a couple dark spots on my skin because of this still, but the story usually gets a good laugh. (thedarksentry)

Early Kinks

As a 16-17 year old living with my mother, I decided to hook up our video camera to the TV one day while alone and watch my body move from a different angle (yea, I know, weird)… so I set the camera up on the TV and pointed it at the couch at a crotch position and then got in position and did the thing… I then unplugged the camera and reconnected it…

Not long after, we attended my little cousin’s soccer game. My mother took the camera to make sure we weren’t ruining any important footage. To my shock, however, the video was playing and it was at the point where I had been focusing it on the couch for my spank-o-vision session! I had pressed record by mistake! Feeling panicked, I grabbed the camera and dashed away, filming anything I could. When I returned, my mom asked what had come over me but I just shrugged – no explanation.


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