Hands down, hand jobs have the potential to be the most stressful of all the sex acts. Unlike the mighty and powerful blow job, they are not something that only you can do for your partner (unless he’s really flexible, in which case, lucky lady!). And the scene can often play out as awkward: There you are, halfheartedly jerking your hands in an attempt to create a pleasurable experience for your partner — one that he had down to a science by age 14.
Before you let a defeatist attitude keep you from trying, remember: a lot of men love getting hand jobs, just like how you probably like require some digital action, too. Here are a few things to keep in mind the next time you offer to give your guy a hand.
1. Focus on the Entire Penis
Yes, the tip of the penis is super-sensitive. But just as many women love being touched along the outer and inner labia as well as the super important clitoris, the entire length of the penis deserves love.
That also means thinking beyond the old-school notion of just jerking off.
“There is more to it than just ‘jerking him off,’ but it isn’t difficult,” Kelly Connell, a sex educator and counselor at Naughty North, says. “A woman needs to keep in mind the penis has lots of nerve endings and a good hand job starts with touching the entire penis.”
2. A Little Prep Goes a Long Way
A few basics before you begin: If you’ve been nursing a frozen margarita all night or playing with ice cubes, do your guy a favor and run your hands under warm water so his penis doesn’t mistake you for liquid nitrogen.
Next, consider gathering up a few accessories that could slowly drive him off a cliff — in a good way. Connell suggests soft strokes and caresses to tease him and different tactile sensations. Try tickling his penis with feathers or even wrapping beads like pearls around your hands and moving then up and down the shaft of the penis while rolling the beads between your hands and his penis.
3. Get Comfortable
Finding a comfortable position is key to delivering a mind-blowing hand job, and could keep you from bending his penis in 50 directions (sorry to any guy who’s actually gotten his penis broken).
“The best position I’ve found for hand jobs is sitting between the receiver’s legs with them on their back with their legs straight and spread, with your legs outstretched underneath theirs,” says Ashley Manta, a sexuality educator and one of the co-creators of International Hand Job Day (that’s July 21, for the record). “It’s great for eye contact and gives you access to the entire pelvic region.”
4. Use Both Hands.
As far as technique goes, you can and should always ask your partner what he likes, but a bit of experimentation and monitoring his reactions has the added benefit of teaching him a thing or two about what he finds most pleasurable. And, for many men, two hands are better than one.
“Use both hands and think of hand jobs like a pelvic massage,” Manta says. “Start by running your hands up their inner thighs and gently cupping their genitals in your hands. Run your thumbs along the inguinal crease (the crease between his torso and thigh) and take the heel of your hand and use it to massage the perineum, the area behind the balls. For the actual stroking, vary your techniques from just focusing on the glans (head) and frenulum (the most sensitive part) to stroking up and down the whole shaft. One move that I really love involves putting both hands on the shaft and twisting your hands in opposite directions like you’re grinding a pepper mill.”
5. Vary Your Speed.
Pay attention to speed, rhythm, and pressure (start off with a light grip, but not too light, and increase pressure as you go), says Sienna Sinclaire, a dating and sex coach at Naughty Lifestyle.
“Don’t just launch in there and start pumping him as though your life depended on it,” Sinclaire says. “Start off slow to see what he likes, the same way he should do when he’s going down on you or masturbating you. Feel how his [penis] reacts to different speeds and listen for his vocal reactions, too. Respond to his body and adjust your rhythm accordingly.” (Of course, every guy may have his own preferences — no two penises are alike!)
6. Use Lube.
All three sex experts agreed on at least one tip: Lube has the power to take an otherwise mediocre hand job and turn it into an event.
“I cannot overemphasize the importance of lube,” Manta says. “Lube allows you to vary speed, pressure, and friction without chafing. I suggest silicone lube like Sliquid Silver, Uberlube, or Wicked Sensual Care Ultra. I also really like using coconut oil, as long as you avoid latex condoms for the rest of the evening if you’re planning to move to penetration at some point.” (Coconut oils break down the latex in condoms and can make them less effective — but fear not, there are many types of lubes to choose from based on your preferences and needs.)
7. Mix it up.
…Don’t have any lube at home? Use the universe’s natural lubricant: saliva. You don’t have to be solely focused on just giving a hand job — mix things up between performing oral sex and using your hands. That way, you don’t have to feel like you’re just sitting there awkwardly giving him a hand job — it turns into a whole foreplay experience.
8. Pleasure yourself.
What’s more fun than seeing your partner feel good? Making you both feel good at the same time. Put a hands-free vibrator, like the , on your clitoris. The more excited you get, the more you’ll get into it — plus, everyone gets off, and isn’t that the whole point?
9. Relax, Have Fun, and, Oh Yeah — Do It Because You Want To.
Sexpert-approved hand job techniques and the best lubes in the world are great. But if you want to know the true secret to giving an amazing hand job, it’s you. The more enthusiastic you are, the sexier and more rewarding the experience will be for both of you. That doesn’t mean feign enthusiasm and give an Oscar-worthy performance of the Girl Who Loves Giving Hand Jobs; it means give a hand job when you want to give your partner a hand job and truly want to make him feel good.
“Don’t consider giving hand jobs (or blow jobs) as something functional just to please your lover,” Sinclaire says. “He’s going to be turned on even more if he thinks you’re into it as much as he is. Just as [men] love eye contact, they also love seeing your enthusiasm. Enjoy giving one, have fun with it, and let him see how much you’re loving it, too.”
